Hello all, its not everyday that you get to dance on ice with Torvill and Dean and its not every day that you get to walk down the high street like you’ve shat yourself and had to ask a complete stranger to pick your wallet up off the floor because if you bend your legs you’re going to follow through. Oh yes, my delight at dancing with Britains Number 1 ice skating stars had sadly turned to agony. I had been down to the show to interview the stars for ‘MORE’ and the chance had come up to dance with them and how could I say no. They had decided to put me in a canary skintight skating outfit for the photo, ‘the colour is saffron’ the costumier hissed, waggling his thimble at me, as I described to my agent the monstrosity that was clinging to my body (and genitals if i’m honest). The outfit was excruciating, i had a reinforced gusset, a body stocking with poppers and a jock strap, no wonder those male skaters grin as they lift up their partners, thats not professionalism that’s ball-ache. It wasn’t just downstairs that hurt, whilst i was skating around i must have used muscles that i hadn’t used before because the rest of the week they’ve been really sore, i know i’m unfit but four days later, please.

Got Anne Robinson on the Project tomorrow, hope shes not too mean to me. Alan, you are one tooth short of a grimace, you are the weakest link. Goodbye.

If you want to see the pictures and the interviews with the dancing on ice stars buy MORE next week, go on i dare you.