Its great to be back in Britain, well its not really but you feel you have to say that don’t you? I’ve just come back from seven days in sunny Dubai, the weather was gorgous and the hotel was beautiful, me and my friend Michelle were having a wonderful time, well we were until we went down to the barbeque wednesday evening when the Waiter approached our table and asked, once he’d taken our orders, if we were russian. RUSSIAN!!!! Do I look bloody Russian? Brazilian, Spanish, Italian anything, even Croat would have been better than Russian. I was heartbroken and replied sharply ‘I’m English’. The waiter oblivious to the offence continued with ‘You are red and big’. ‘Yes I am Red and Big, but that doesn’t mean I’m Russian, God, i tell you if you ever need an incentive not to go for seconds there it was. We came to the conclusion that he had mistaken our burnt red bodies as vodka induced burst capilaries and our large bulbous limbs as a result of years of working in the fields of Kiev. Is it any wonder I drink?

Isnt the news depressing? Just watched the Shannon Matthews case on BBC NEWS, the artists impression of the mum in court looks even worse than what she does in real life – something I didn’t think possible, but yes, she looks bedraggled and don’t even mention her roots. Girl needs a makeover, the ‘artist’ has done his best by keeping it simple sticking with sombre tones and muted hues rather than bright primary colours, but then again you can’t polish a turd.