SECRET POLICEMANS BALL

Yes, i am doing Secret Policeman's Ball, the reason I haven't told anyone is the fact that I thought it was SECRET!!!!

DITA WHAT A TEESE!

Well, I have only just stopped shaking and perspiring, as chief entertainment reporter for More magazine i got to meet Dita Von Teese and she was something else, she was so SEXY!!! Yes, she had me drooling so much, it was getting embarassing. Then she started showing me how the bras clipped and unclipped, I was putty in her hand. What a minx!! It was the same when I met Alan Titchmarsh.

Anyway, I am off to put some frozen peas on my crotch.

NATIVITY

Last day of filming for 'Nativity', i don't want to spoil it by telling you what its about but even a retard is going to know that a 'Nativity' is involved at some point, I'm really enjoying being in it, plus its all improvised which is very scary because I am performing with some very good actors, but I managed to look the right way and not walk into any furniture which is a bonus I suppose. Yesterday was a nightmare because we actually had to film the Nativity, and it is so true what they say 'Don't work with children and animals', it took forever, plus my winnebago, if you can call it that, its basically a portaloo with a z-bed wedged in it. My winnebago was right next to the animal pen, so all day I had to endure donkeys whinneying, and pigs snorting through the walls, God it was like being at a Michael Barrymore party. Anyway last day today wish me luck!!

50 cent come home, can you read me!

Well, there I was, sitting at home with my dictophone in my hand waiting for the car to take me to the press junket where I am to interview 50cent for More magazine and I get told that he has had a queeny strop and walked out the junket refusing to talk to anymore journalists because he was asked a question he didn't like. Oh dear! For someone who constantly talks about living in the ghetto, bitches and hos glorifying gun crime and dissing cock sucking faggots, he seems to be a very sensitive soul. Maybe he should lie down in a darkened room, poor thing. Interviewing Sugababes tomorrow, i've met them before and they are lovely. At least i wont get a cap in my ass.

What do you think?

Do I really look like Mick Hucknall's love child?

THE PROJECT IS BACK!

Yes, boys and girls, I've just heard that The Sunday Night Project is back. We will be hitting your screens with a brand new series on the 21st December starting with our very own Christmas special. I'll keep you posted on guests as soon as I know. Got to go 'Midsommer Murders has just started.

MORE Magazine

Just to let you know that I have a new job, I'm going to be a reporter, don't worry I'm not going to be airdropped behind enemy lines in Basra, I'm Entertainment Reporter for More magazine. Yes and tomorrow I will be interviewing Rachel Stevens from Strictly Come Dancing and on Monday 50Cent. Oh my god!!! Hope i don't get a cap in my ass. At least we can discuss bullet holes he's been shot 9 times, and I got an air gun pellet up my poopschute whilst doing a big shop in Iceland. We might become bezzie mates, you never know. Word up bitches!!!!!

Hello, look at me, blogging. Who'd have thought it? But yes, it is me Alan Carr typing away at half ten on a tuesday. You'll be pleased to know that I have dried out from my three days at Bestival in the Isle Of Wight. The Festival was one of the best festivals i've ever been to but oh my god, the rain, the mud. Its my own fault really I went as a giant prawn, well, actually a prawn star with flared trousers and a tight shirt that revealed two gold stars on my nipples and a giant gold star on my crotch, (I lost that doing a piss behind a biffa skip - oh thanks to the lads for taking a picture of that - i owe you one). Did I mention that I also had a giant prawn headdress with antennae stuck on the top of my head? Well you'll see that once I work out how to attach photos to this blog. Sadly I fell over my platforms into the mud and looked like a giant shit walking the length and breadth of the campsite trying to find my tent. I swear I've got ecoli.
My highlights of Bestival had to be Grace Jones and The Specials, although I did enjoy Hercules and Love Affair in the Big Top. Hope you like my outfit. I felt I had to put a bit more effort in, because when i went to Mark Ronson's birthday party I went as Madonna's Confessions On A Dancefloor. Pink leotard and ginger hair, although The Sun said I looked like Mick Hucknall's 'Love child', charming! That leotard wasn't cheap don't you know.
Although I had a wicked time I was glad to get home and put my clothes in soak and get in a Radox filled bath. It must be my age, but can't wait til next year.