HERES TO 2010!!

Just back from Sunderland spending Christmas visting friends and family - wasnt it lovely having a white christmas, well it was a yellow christmas as i passed stockton on the motorway, something to do with the fumes i guess. Look, Im not a scientist but even i know when the snowmans carrot starts pulsating and glowing somethings wrong.

I know its a few days early but thought i better wish you a Happy New Year now - i've got a few busy days ahead what with organising my New Years Eve party and taking my unwanted presents back to cash convertors. I love cash convertors, just not when i see my books and CDs in the window 2 for 1 hmmm! the ingratitude. Can you believe I actually got sent a joke book as a present - i'm a stand-up comedian thats what i do!!! Thats like sending Kerry Katona a kebab, a bit more thought please, I wouldnt have minded but the jokes were a bit on the tired side(Shut up you people saying that they would have fitted into my act perfectly!!) Jokes that start 'Two lesbians at a bus-stop....' is not really my kind of thing.

It looks like I've got a busy year ahead, and if you believe the Daily Star i'm going to be in the Celebrity Big Brother House, well, thats news to me but you never know i might just prepare an eviction outfit just in case, i might as well look good whilst im being booed and having excrement thrown at me.

Dont forget on New Years Day - you can hear me on Radio 2 with the gorgous Nadine Coyle between 14.00 and 17.00 on the Great British Songs of the Noughties (Adele and Paloma Faith pop in too) - let my soothing voice ease away your hangover blues.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!! THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT AND HAVE A HEALTHY AND PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR!!!

Alan x

TAKING A BREATHER - (i wish)

Hello all,

To start with i hope you like my photo of a homophobic building I spotted in America.

Havent blogged for ages can't think why its not as if nothing has happened - its all been a bit crazy to be honest.

Turning on the lights at Blackpool was so much fun, f***ing freezing but fun. As we did my Radio2 show up along the front in a tram, i actually got 'blanket-envy' for a donkey. Yes, you heard he looked so snug with his nosebag of hay and brown thermal blanket that i wanted to creep underneath it and feel his donkey flesh against my shivering body. Sitting on the top deck Emma's lips turned blue and my teeth started chattering and as anyone whose seen my face knows thats a lot of teeth to be a chattering, I sounded like my nan getting through a packet of peanut brittle.

But i do like Blackpool, where else can you buy fake dog poo, but not only fake dog poo, actual breeds of fake dog poo. Alsations, Poodles, Terriers!! You name it - i went for Great Dane and the nice lady in the shop knocked a pound off because she was a fan. Oh being a celebrity has its perks.

Then there was the sad news that Friday/Sunday Night Project would not be returning with me and Justin. Yes it was sad news but we both felt we had taken it as far as it could go - it was an amazing show and what a great team who worked on it, but there comes a time in a mans life when you have to step away from the leotard and stilettoes and move on.

Anyway Chattyman is my new baby, God i love that show and the amazing guests that choose to come on it, to think its going to be back on in November (i've only just got over the last series!!!) makes me excited but a little bit nervous. Can we ever top the guests Black Eyed Peas, Kanye, Samuel L Jackson, Wossy, Brucie, Katy Perry, i wake up in a cold sweat sometimes thinking say we can only get Howard from the Halifax or one of the Lilt ladies on my sofa, but ive got to be strong. Everyone has been so positive, well, apart from one article in a popular newspaper, they said i was depressed about' Chattyman' i didnt mind this, it happens all the time but it was the accompanying photo. They had me clutching my head looking up at the sky miserable and dispondant. To be fair, i had just come out of a Starbucks and was ducking a rancid pigeon. A note to that journalist it was the same day Chattyman had got recommissioned for not only a 2nd but a 3rd and 4th series I wasnt depressed at all, i just didnt want to be covered in bird poo, but i guess as i found out from that article you can be shat on in other ways too.

We are now looking for future guests and the names that are being confirmed are amazing (sorry Howard) but im not going to tell you, ive learnt my lesson from the Friday Night Project. I would reveal who was lined up and as soon as the names passed my lips they would either die or end up in rehab. I would end up with egg on my face and they ended up in the Betty Ford Clinic. Rather them than me.

Thanks for all the lovely tweets and i'll be seeing you

alan

MANSON MAN ACTION

Well, hello everyone, it dawned on me today that I haven't blogged in ages, i've been tweeting like buggery, but i havent blogged so tonight im going to sit down, relax and do a good old blog. (Sounds like im doing a shit to be honest). At least with blogging you dont get arseholes replying, i am having some militant trannies tweeting me, they heard on my Radio 2 show that I had said that i was worried about cycling through Gay Pride because i might end up with a Tranny in my basket. Quite harmless i thought but oh no, i am a 'tranny hater' according to these tweets. I'm not taking it too seriously, (noone else has) it was an off the cuff remark, besides Tranny in a basket just sounds like something you'd find in a Nandos. 'Tranny in a basket please - easy on the mayo'.

Chattyman is going better than i had ever dreamed of, ratings are great, the guests are amazing Samuel L Jackson, Dawn French, Kanye West, Brucie, Pet Shop Boys have all graced my late aunts flat and this week i've got Jonathan Ross and Mickey Rourke - woohoo! I'm watching Angelheart now (like a good boy) researching ready for Rourke. The lovely Denise Van Outen is coming on too, she recently told 'Star' magazine that she fancied me, oh dear, how do i break it to her? She's going to be gutted! Better pop some lambrini in my globe so as to soften the blow.

Some guests alas havent made it on the show not for the want of trying i was meant to do a sketch with Marilyn Manson but when i turned up at the hotel he was so twatted on absinthe (and the rest), he couldnt stand up straight let alone talk. None of the questions I asked him were usable (if he was to be believed his hobbies include pissing on children and necrophilia - hey dont knock it til you've tried it) so we left him to his own devices, mumbling to himself in the hotel foyer drinking a pint of Glade Plug-in. (you think im joking). He had a whole afternoon of interviews ahead of him - CHRIST! I smiled to myself secretly hoping he was due on The Alan Titchmarch Show. 'On tonights show! June Whitfield, Nick Berry and Marilyn Manson dressed as a Nazi wanking off a dog ' Well I'd tune in wouldnt you?

As we left the PR girl said ' could i mention his single on the show?' It was called 'Arma-Goddamn motherfucking Gedden'. as you can imagine 'Bleeding Love' it aint!!

Anyway, off to bed, this blogging lark has been very theraputic and not even an irate tranny in sight. See ya al x

FACE FOR RADIO

Alright loves, Can i just say a big THANK YOU to everyone who phoned, texted, emailed me and emma yesterday on our first Radio show together - we were literally inundated. (my favourite was Annie the Cornish fishmonger cooking scallops!!!) For those of you who didn't know we were on Radio 2 between 6.00pm - 8.00pm Saturday night and will be every Saturday for the next year kickstarting your weekend.

We were very nervous at the beginning and yes they're were a few cock ups, Emma said 'Webcum' instead of 'Webcam' and i advised a woman to sniff nail polish remover to relieve the boredom of cleaning - there was me giggling away only to see the producer eyeballing me mouthing "no," making cut throat gestures. Alright alright, i get the message. Overall it was a triumph and all the people upstairs looked happy (although a little bit wet with perspiration) but happy nevertheless which is the main thing.

If you would like to speak to me and Emma about what you're doing that Saturday night, hen nights, barbecues, bowling, bungee jumping - i dont care, just call me on the number below.

Also if youre having a wardrobe malfunction let us know too, it doesnt have to be as dramatic as janet jacksons, no, you're tit doesnt have to have been whipped out by Justin Timberlake in a Working Men's Club, no just ring us up and me and emma will go through youre wardrobe and make you look pretty, oh so pretty. Watch out Gok, theres a new kid on the block.

CALL ME NEXT SATURDAY BETWEEN 6 - 8PM on 0500 88291 or text 88291 or email me on alan.carr@bbc.co.uk and we'll make your weekend that little bit special.

Off to the BAFTAS now, oh to be a tv personality

Getting there

Well, had my first runthrough for my new chat show in a church hall and do you know what - it went really well. I know what you're thinking 'He's going to say that - he wants us to watch it' Ahh! Nothing gets past you. Call me an old luvvie but Im a superstitious old sod, if you have a good run-through it usually means that the proper show will be shite and vice versa. So expect me on the 7th june to walk into the furniture, forget my lines and drop all my props - just think Hollyoaks but on a sofa.

Dont forget im on Gok's Fashion Fix tonight at 8.00pm - huh! How can you improve on perfection?

BANK HOLIDAY

Christ its boring, how drab are bank holidays. Went for a walk around Regents Park, saw a squirrel, thats about it really.

Had a nice bath, treated myself to a BathBomb from Lush, which was nice enough. Its always a hassle getting in my bath because its overlooked by my next door neighbours porch, theres been times when ive whipped my towel off and set off ScallyKarens intruder sensor. The sight of her and her rottweiler peering through the patio doors makes you want to have a wash at the best of times.

I must admit when it comes to batheing, you cant beat a bit of Radox, those floral bathbombs are nice and all that its just a ballache when you have unblock the plughole at the end, its so stuffed with roses, petals, oats, leaves you dont know whether to call in dynorod or get Alan Titchmarsh to bring his secateurs round. I might as well have a strip wash in a window box.

Anyway Happy Easter!

Paul The Other One

I stood in for Paul O'Grady today on his show, (its going to be shown on Easter Monday) and had a ball although the producers had decided to put explosive easter Eggs around the set that would explode whilst I was reading the letters from the Postbag. As you can imagine when they exploded I nearly had a heartattack and the audience laughed at my shock, then i could smell burning. An explosive easter egg had exploded so much that it had set one of pauls dolls on fire and her skirt was going up like a Christmas Tree. I was thinking shit, Paul leaves me for one day and I burn down his bloody set, (it could have been worse, i could have torched Buster). So once the doll and neighbouring photo of Joan Collins (it took years off her) had been extinguished the show could continue. Bloody Exploding Easter Eggs, if there had been Smarties inside it would have wiped out the front row.

I cant believe ive been "spotted" at 'Christ the Redeemer' in Rio de Janeiro, its this weeks 'Hot Spot' in HEAT. God they have spies everywhere.