Well, there I was settling down with a nice cup of Rosie and my copy of Heat when my eyes drift down to to the letters page. It seems one of those fucking annoying Charity Muggers has written in to the letters page to say which ‘celebrities’ are nice and which aren’t so nice. She said that I wasn’t so nice, and then added ‘but maybe I was having a bad day’. No I wasn’t having a bad day, I was having a good day, until I saw you. Is it just me or are they all so fucking annoying? ‘Hello Cheeky chops, can I talk to you about mental health?’ What?!! Can i talk to YOU about getting a decent job you freak?’ Harrassing people on the streets with their fake sincerity, asking for money, layering on the guilt if you say no, or if you politely say that you’re in a rush, you get a roll of the eyes or a curt smile. This wouldn’t normally affect me but when they sort of see themselves as a dogooder when they are in fact raking in at least £7 or more an hour, it jars a little to say the least. O Mother thersa will you be donating your earnings to your beloved charity at the end of the day? – No i didn’t think so. Look love, when I do charity nights, I do them for free and the Charity gets 100% , yes you heard, 100% no commision, no annoying white people with dreads trying to look ‘happy’, no intimidation, no rolling of the eyes, no guilt. Proper Charity work. So next time you try to approach me, saying ‘thats a nice jumper, spare a minute for leprosy?’ You wont get my credit card details you’ll get a kick in the flaps!! Talentless twats
Hope you liked my Ding Dong last friday, have just finalised week 3 and its Hard Men against Fashionistas, now if that doesn’t cause a rumpus nothing will, we’ve got Gok Wan captaining the fashionista team, so should be interesting, if all those reports in the papers are true – he’s been desperate to get on my Ding Dong for ages. Can you imagine the children?
Well, i haven’t sat down. If I haven’t been performing at the Secret Policeman’s Ball, I’ve been hosting the Q Awards, and if I haven’t done that then I’ve been filming the first in the new series of my celebrityDing Dong – i am cream crackered. This weeks Ding Dong, is between Eastenders and Coronation St, and as usual there was drama and that was before we even got started, poor old Julie Goodyear had a wardrobe malfunction, (images of her with her tit hanging out a la Janet flooded my mind and they weren’t nice) I thought it was an omen but in fact the show was brilliant and I can’t wait to see it Friday.
I had a really embarassing moment at the Q Awards, someone had told me that Grace Jones now lives in Northampton, i know, i know, but i believed it was so surreal that it might just be true. Me obviously being a Northampton lad, ran straight over to her and said ‘Grace! Which part of Northampton do you live? I’m from there’ There was a pause and in that deep, Jamaican tone uttered ‘What is Northampton?’ I’m assuming I wont be bumping into her at the Grosvenor Centre. It was amazing to meet her, and Coldplay, they were so sweet. Chris Martin says he loves my shows and bigged me up. Ahhh! I’m not too proud to say I welled up – i’m off to download their new album – you scratch my back Chris, i’ll scratch yours.