All posts by Admin

X Factor

Everyones asking the question ‘Why was Laura voted off?’ well i’m asking ‘Why has Daniel’s hair gone aubergine?’ I couldn’t take my eyes off it, its the same colour I want for my downstairs toilet, there I was with my Dulux colour chart pressed against the screen (for those of you who give a shit its ‘Autumn musk’) but anyway, please dannii stop it getting any redder, by the final he’ll look like Ronald Mcdonald. I half expected him to turn around at the end of the song and go ‘Cos i’m worth it!’ Sort it out!!

BOOK SALES

Gawd blind me, i’ve sold over 45,000 books. Thanks everyone!!!!!!!!!

COMMON SCENTS

Hello everyone, sorry I haven’t been blogging, i’ve been dead busy with my book signings. I’ve been Newcastle, Glasgow, Asda Headquarters, Leeds, Manchester you name it I’ve prostitued myself there. Thank you for all the people who’ve turned up, I appreciate it, and also for all the presents. Thankfully there wasn’t a dogging video to sign this time. In Bluewater someone had brought me ‘British Dogging 2’ video (i’ve sadly never seen the first one) and the cheeky sods had put ‘Its me Alan’ in a tipex speech bubble from a fat bespectacled man who just happened to be having his end away with a blonde woman with awful roots on a car bonnet. Charming, I wont tell you what was hanging out of his stone wash jeans, anyway, the wine and beauty products that you very kindly brought along are a nice touch although most of it had to be confiscated at the airport for security because of the crappy 100ml rule, (God, I hate Al Queda) yes they looked at my lemon and lime foot scrub and peppermint exfoliater as if it was the ingredients for a dirty bomb. I was going to swallow it like a drugs mule, but I guessed by the time it came out the other end, I think the lavender and musk scented candle would have lost its effect. Never mind. It was nice while it lasted.

CHELTENHAM

Just got back from The Times Cheltenham Literary Festival, and I must say I had a great time, I can’t tell you what the best bit was, whether it was the sell out 900+ audience or sharing a vol au vent with Jilly Cooper in ‘The Writers Room’. Yes, haters I am classed as a ‘Writer’ now, I can now legitimately be mentioned in the same breath as Maeve Binchey and Jackie Collins, which I think I am anyway, what with some of the looks I get walking up Holloway Road in my manhole cover sized sunglasses and foxfur pashmina.

Interviewed Pete Wentz from Falloutboy today and was pleasantly surprised, he was lovely and intelligent, I know I shouldn’t sound surprised but some of these bands you meet, lets just say you wouldn’t see them in Dictionary Corner, but what a surprise. There have been reports that he is bisexual but can I say for the record he never made a move on me even though I was in close proximity to him and i was alone in the room with him at all times.