All posts by Admin

VARIETY CLUB AWARDS

Hello all, am very pleased to say that I won an award at Sundays Variety Club Awards, I won Best Television Presenter which really did surprise me as I thought I was up for Best Comedy Act, so when David Walliams called out my name i was genuinely surprised. Even in his speech when he said ‘Not only is this man very funny, he’s also very funny to look at’ it still didn’t click, i thought it might be Sir Trevor McDonald. Anyway its lovely to get an award, and its very gracious of The Variety Club to nominate me. I’m dead chuffed.

To be honest, I was feeling a bit rough at the ceremony, I’d gone to visit a friend who was working in Lapland, no not the one near the North Pole, the one just off the A21, near Royal Tonbridge Wells. It was lovely to see the children enjoying the experience, the reindeers, fake snow, etc however I was put out when a woman came up to me and called me a ‘pervert’ which came as a complete shock although thinking about it, i was standing alone by the gingerbread cottage waiting for my friend to finish his shift. It really shocked me to be honest, and I didn’t know what to do, so I put my cock away and moved over to Santas Grotto. JOKE.

Seriously can i just say a big hello to everyone who I met in Royal Tonbridge Well’s premier Nightspot ‘Beluga’. It really was an experience, but to be honest I don’t think I’ll be back to Royal Tonbridge Wells. Looking at some of the clientele in Beluga, i think the ‘Royal’ was pushing it a bit and to be brutally honest quite misleading, in the same way ‘Great’ Yarmouth and the shop ‘Bon’ Marche is. I’ve a good mind to phone Watchdog.

COMEDY AWARDS

Well done to me, I’ve just woken up to find out that I have been nominated for not one award but THREE at the British Comedy Awards. I would ask all my fans to phone in and vote for me, but there isn’t a number, never mind wish me luck. I’m off to prepare an outfit and practice my poker face for when Harry Hill’s Comedy Burp wins.

X Factor

Everyones asking the question ‘Why was Laura voted off?’ well i’m asking ‘Why has Daniel’s hair gone aubergine?’ I couldn’t take my eyes off it, its the same colour I want for my downstairs toilet, there I was with my Dulux colour chart pressed against the screen (for those of you who give a shit its ‘Autumn musk’) but anyway, please dannii stop it getting any redder, by the final he’ll look like Ronald Mcdonald. I half expected him to turn around at the end of the song and go ‘Cos i’m worth it!’ Sort it out!!

BOOK SALES

Gawd blind me, i’ve sold over 45,000 books. Thanks everyone!!!!!!!!!