All posts by Admin

COOKALONG

Well, my tongue has only just recovered from Gordon Ramsey’s Cookalong, for those who didn’t see it, a man was there who makes the hottest curry in the world and he wasn’t joking, it was like Korma flavoured Listerine, i’ve never sounded so butch, it basically destroyed my tastebuds which was probably a good thing after the monstrosity I cooked up and fed my friends (they’re not speaking to me now). I was so nervous a) cooking a three course Indian meal b) live on telly with c) Gordon breathing down my neck, c’mon you’d be nervous too, plus they’d asked me not to mention any ‘goings on’ that have been in the papers recently, well as you can imagine my brain went into ‘Gordon Tourettes’, every thought I had was hanky panky related ‘Tonight I’m making a Whorema, Korma sorry, Korma’. However anxieties aside it was a success and Gordon was lovely and so was his wife Tana, she was a real sweetheart, and I say good luck to them both, i think the last few weeks for them have been a bit like my chicken madras – tough and hard to swallow.

DUBAI OR NOT DUBAI

Its great to be back in Britain, well its not really but you feel you have to say that don’t you? I’ve just come back from seven days in sunny Dubai, the weather was gorgous and the hotel was beautiful, me and my friend Michelle were having a wonderful time, well we were until we went down to the barbeque wednesday evening when the Waiter approached our table and asked, once he’d taken our orders, if we were russian. RUSSIAN!!!! Do I look bloody Russian? Brazilian, Spanish, Italian anything, even Croat would have been better than Russian. I was heartbroken and replied sharply ‘I’m English’. The waiter oblivious to the offence continued with ‘You are red and big’. ‘Yes I am Red and Big, but that doesn’t mean I’m Russian, God, i tell you if you ever need an incentive not to go for seconds there it was. We came to the conclusion that he had mistaken our burnt red bodies as vodka induced burst capilaries and our large bulbous limbs as a result of years of working in the fields of Kiev. Is it any wonder I drink?

Isnt the news depressing? Just watched the Shannon Matthews case on BBC NEWS, the artists impression of the mum in court looks even worse than what she does in real life – something I didn’t think possible, but yes, she looks bedraggled and don’t even mention her roots. Girl needs a makeover, the ‘artist’ has done his best by keeping it simple sticking with sombre tones and muted hues rather than bright primary colours, but then again you can’t polish a turd.

VARIETY CLUB AWARDS

Hello all, am very pleased to say that I won an award at Sundays Variety Club Awards, I won Best Television Presenter which really did surprise me as I thought I was up for Best Comedy Act, so when David Walliams called out my name i was genuinely surprised. Even in his speech when he said ‘Not only is this man very funny, he’s also very funny to look at’ it still didn’t click, i thought it might be Sir Trevor McDonald. Anyway its lovely to get an award, and its very gracious of The Variety Club to nominate me. I’m dead chuffed.

To be honest, I was feeling a bit rough at the ceremony, I’d gone to visit a friend who was working in Lapland, no not the one near the North Pole, the one just off the A21, near Royal Tonbridge Wells. It was lovely to see the children enjoying the experience, the reindeers, fake snow, etc however I was put out when a woman came up to me and called me a ‘pervert’ which came as a complete shock although thinking about it, i was standing alone by the gingerbread cottage waiting for my friend to finish his shift. It really shocked me to be honest, and I didn’t know what to do, so I put my cock away and moved over to Santas Grotto. JOKE.

Seriously can i just say a big hello to everyone who I met in Royal Tonbridge Well’s premier Nightspot ‘Beluga’. It really was an experience, but to be honest I don’t think I’ll be back to Royal Tonbridge Wells. Looking at some of the clientele in Beluga, i think the ‘Royal’ was pushing it a bit and to be brutally honest quite misleading, in the same way ‘Great’ Yarmouth and the shop ‘Bon’ Marche is. I’ve a good mind to phone Watchdog.

COMEDY AWARDS

Well done to me, I’ve just woken up to find out that I have been nominated for not one award but THREE at the British Comedy Awards. I would ask all my fans to phone in and vote for me, but there isn’t a number, never mind wish me luck. I’m off to prepare an outfit and practice my poker face for when Harry Hill’s Comedy Burp wins.