All posts by Admin

APOLOGIES ALL ROUND

Hello All, Just a quick note to apologise to all the people who were offended by me ‘dedicating’ my award to Karen Matthews. For those of you who have enjoyed my comedy and seen my act over the last seven years you all would have got used to my tongue in cheek style and near the knuckle observations. Last night at the Comedy Awards was no exception, after being asked by a journalist why I hadn’t dedicated the award to anyone or said anything controversial in my speech. I said ‘it wasn’t really my thing to be controversial ‘ but in a flash of inspiration I said ‘I’ll dedicate it to Karen Matthews’. The journalists in the room burst out laughing aware that
my tongue couldn’t have been further in my cheek, I went on to say that she was ‘a gay icon’ and that ‘I would love to work with her’. Just to put the record straight I was being ironic, these aren’t my real sentiments obviously. So apologies to everyone, i am so sorry if you are offended I was taking the piss but if you’ve seen me before you’ll know that already. XXXX

NOTHING TO LAUGH ABOUT

Hello All, I won my second Comedy Award last night woohoo!!! Sorry about my speech, I didn’t think I’d won so didn’t have any speech prepared (as you all saw) i was genuinely shocked. Plus, I was all flustered, my car hadn’t turned up so I had to arrive by bloody tube, serious, a tube ride dressed up like a dogs dinner on the Victoria line with a hen party is not really how I expected to make my entrance. Although Pam (the bride to be’s Mum) helped me pick the chewing gum off the hem of my slacks, THANK YOU LOVE!!!!

COOKALONG

Well, my tongue has only just recovered from Gordon Ramsey’s Cookalong, for those who didn’t see it, a man was there who makes the hottest curry in the world and he wasn’t joking, it was like Korma flavoured Listerine, i’ve never sounded so butch, it basically destroyed my tastebuds which was probably a good thing after the monstrosity I cooked up and fed my friends (they’re not speaking to me now). I was so nervous a) cooking a three course Indian meal b) live on telly with c) Gordon breathing down my neck, c’mon you’d be nervous too, plus they’d asked me not to mention any ‘goings on’ that have been in the papers recently, well as you can imagine my brain went into ‘Gordon Tourettes’, every thought I had was hanky panky related ‘Tonight I’m making a Whorema, Korma sorry, Korma’. However anxieties aside it was a success and Gordon was lovely and so was his wife Tana, she was a real sweetheart, and I say good luck to them both, i think the last few weeks for them have been a bit like my chicken madras – tough and hard to swallow.

DUBAI OR NOT DUBAI

Its great to be back in Britain, well its not really but you feel you have to say that don’t you? I’ve just come back from seven days in sunny Dubai, the weather was gorgous and the hotel was beautiful, me and my friend Michelle were having a wonderful time, well we were until we went down to the barbeque wednesday evening when the Waiter approached our table and asked, once he’d taken our orders, if we were russian. RUSSIAN!!!! Do I look bloody Russian? Brazilian, Spanish, Italian anything, even Croat would have been better than Russian. I was heartbroken and replied sharply ‘I’m English’. The waiter oblivious to the offence continued with ‘You are red and big’. ‘Yes I am Red and Big, but that doesn’t mean I’m Russian, God, i tell you if you ever need an incentive not to go for seconds there it was. We came to the conclusion that he had mistaken our burnt red bodies as vodka induced burst capilaries and our large bulbous limbs as a result of years of working in the fields of Kiev. Is it any wonder I drink?

Isnt the news depressing? Just watched the Shannon Matthews case on BBC NEWS, the artists impression of the mum in court looks even worse than what she does in real life – something I didn’t think possible, but yes, she looks bedraggled and don’t even mention her roots. Girl needs a makeover, the ‘artist’ has done his best by keeping it simple sticking with sombre tones and muted hues rather than bright primary colours, but then again you can’t polish a turd.