Watcha!Boa Dia that’s Brazilian for hello, sorry i havent been blogging but have been in Rio De Janiero on holiday and it was amazing. I’ve always wanted to go there and I finally thought ‘Sod it’ im going to go. When you’re homosexual and you tell people that you’re going to Rio, people assume that you are going as a sex tourist. This wasn’t the case, I was going with my elderly neighbour Mrs. Bhabuta and with her needing 24 hour attention the chances of me disappearing up Sugarloaf mountain were very slim. The weather was oppressive and even though she is on a respirator she still wanted to go up the Christ and take in the view which is doubly strange because she’s a Muslim with glucoma but anyway if Mohommed wont go to the mountain.
I went down the gay beach, (i told Mrs. Bhabuta i’d popped out for a loaf), it really was a sight to behold. Men in the skimpiest briefs and muscles like you’d never seen, i had a great view, especially through the peepholes i’d drilled in my windbreaker. You’ve got to go love.
Boa Noche – thats good night in Brazil.
P.S They actually speak Portugese not Spanish so for the first few days I was greeting everyone with Ola and saying Adios with a wave of my Daily Star which of course gave the game away that I was actually a tourist and not a local. Damn.
Hello all, its not everyday that you get to dance on ice with Torvill and Dean and its not every day that you get to walk down the high street like you’ve shat yourself and had to ask a complete stranger to pick your wallet up off the floor because if you bend your legs you’re going to follow through. Oh yes, my delight at dancing with Britains Number 1 ice skating stars had sadly turned to agony. I had been down to the show to interview the stars for ‘MORE’ and the chance had come up to dance with them and how could I say no. They had decided to put me in a canary skintight skating outfit for the photo, ‘the colour is saffron’ the costumier hissed, waggling his thimble at me, as I described to my agent the monstrosity that was clinging to my body (and genitals if i’m honest). The outfit was excruciating, i had a reinforced gusset, a body stocking with poppers and a jock strap, no wonder those male skaters grin as they lift up their partners, thats not professionalism that’s ball-ache. It wasn’t just downstairs that hurt, whilst i was skating around i must have used muscles that i hadn’t used before because the rest of the week they’ve been really sore, i know i’m unfit but four days later, please.
Got Anne Robinson on the Project tomorrow, hope shes not too mean to me. Alan, you are one tooth short of a grimace, you are the weakest link. Goodbye.
If you want to see the pictures and the interviews with the dancing on ice stars buy MORE next week, go on i dare you.
Hello blog, bored out of my tiny little mind. Washed up, mopped the kitchen floor, done my recycling, nothing on telly. I’m on a diet and am so trying desperately not to eat, you wouldn’t believe. I was watching half tonne son the other night and just as I was going to grab another jaffa cake they homed in on his back boobs – not a pretty sight. Mine are a handful but they dont hang down that much, yes I admit once i did get the nipple caught in the zip of my bumbag but apart from that they’ve been no bother at all.
Been sorting out my New York photos, i went there for New Years Eve, and i sort of begrudge digital cameras, i preferred the old ones, when it was when you got back home that you realised how fat and pasty you were, and you’d have to look sheepish as the Boots photo technician handed them to you over the counter, smiling smuggly whilst thinking ‘I bet you thought you looked so good in those lime green swimming trunks’. Oh no, now thanks to digital you can see how shite you look there and then, thanks isn’t technology wonderful.
Just found out that the last remaining guests for The Sunday Night Project are Anne Robinson and Martin Sheen, so should be interesting to say the least. We’ve got Catherine Tate on tomorrow, we’ve already filmed a ‘Celebrity Come Dine With Me’ spoof with her and it was really funny, me and Justin host a japanese themed night and well, i’ll let you find out for yourselves if we beat Catherines dinner party at ten o’clock on channel 4 this Sunday.