All posts by Admin

A QUICKIE


Watcha, just a quick blog to say ‘hello’ and keeping you up to date on whats been happening in my life. Well here goes….

Went to Berlin for a weekend – its an amazing city you must go- people warned me before i went (crypticly) that Berlin was cultural yet sleazy!!! – Hmm! What do i pack? Nipple clamps and opera gloves? And believe me its hard to watch opera when your wearing a gas mask in a fuck swing.
Saw the Berlin Wall – which was so grim to say the least if theres one wall thats in need of some trellis its that one.
Got missed off the BAFTA longlist – charming – i think they should give me one as compensation dont you? It really is the least they can do – and not one of the shitty awards either ‘best use of lip-synching in a subtitled cartoon’ i want ‘Lifetime achievement’ thank you very much.
The extention of my Radio 2 show for another year, yes i know, another year – check it out Radio 2 6pm – 8pm every Saturday go on you know you want to.
Got in the papers picking up my dog Bev’s shit – yep the paps got me – a perfect image of me standing there swallowing sick trying to scoop up a large turd – i swear you can see Bev smirking.
Loving Chattyman even more – you get to ask people if they’re back on the cock, drink cheap alcohol and do the dutty whine with whoever you please – in what other job can you do that?
Tata

HERES TO 2010!!

Just back from Sunderland spending Christmas visting friends and family – wasnt it lovely having a white christmas, well it was a yellow christmas as i passed stockton on the motorway, something to do with the fumes i guess. Look, Im not a scientist but even i know when the snowmans carrot starts pulsating and glowing somethings wrong.

I know its a few days early but thought i better wish you a Happy New Year now – i’ve got a few busy days ahead what with organising my New Years Eve party and taking my unwanted presents back to cash convertors. I love cash convertors, just not when i see my books and CDs in the window 2 for 1 hmmm! the ingratitude. Can you believe I actually got sent a joke book as a present – i’m a stand-up comedian thats what i do!!! Thats like sending Kerry Katona a kebab, a bit more thought please, I wouldnt have minded but the jokes were a bit on the tired side(Shut up you people saying that they would have fitted into my act perfectly!!) Jokes that start ‘Two lesbians at a bus-stop….’ is not really my kind of thing.

It looks like I’ve got a busy year ahead, and if you believe the Daily Star i’m going to be in the Celebrity Big Brother House, well, thats news to me but you never know i might just prepare an eviction outfit just in case, i might as well look good whilst im being booed and having excrement thrown at me.
Dont forget on New Years Day – you can hear me on Radio 2 with the gorgous Nadine Coyle between 14.00 and 17.00 on the Great British Songs of the Noughties (Adele and Paloma Faith pop in too) – let my soothing voice ease away your hangover blues.
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!! THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT AND HAVE A HEALTHY AND PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR!!!
Alan x

TAKING A BREATHER – (i wish)


Hello all,

To start with i hope you like my photo of a homophobic building I spotted in America.

Havent blogged for ages can’t think why its not as if nothing has happened – its all been a bit crazy to be honest.
Turning on the lights at Blackpool was so much fun, f***ing freezing but fun. As we did my Radio2 show up along the front in a tram, i actually got ‘blanket-envy’ for a donkey. Yes, you heard he looked so snug with his nosebag of hay and brown thermal blanket that i wanted to creep underneath it and feel his donkey flesh against my shivering body. Sitting on the top deck Emma’s lips turned blue and my teeth started chattering and as anyone whose seen my face knows thats a lot of teeth to be a chattering, I sounded like my nan getting through a packet of peanut brittle.
But i do like Blackpool, where else can you buy fake dog poo, but not only fake dog poo, actual breeds of fake dog poo. Alsations, Poodles, Terriers!! You name it – i went for Great Dane and the nice lady in the shop knocked a pound off because she was a fan. Oh being a celebrity has its perks.
Then there was the sad news that Friday/Sunday Night Project would not be returning with me and Justin. Yes it was sad news but we both felt we had taken it as far as it could go – it was an amazing show and what a great team who worked on it, but there comes a time in a mans life when you have to step away from the leotard and stilettoes and move on.
Anyway Chattyman is my new baby, God i love that show and the amazing guests that choose to come on it, to think its going to be back on in November (i’ve only just got over the last series!!!) makes me excited but a little bit nervous. Can we ever top the guests Black Eyed Peas, Kanye, Samuel L Jackson, Wossy, Brucie, Katy Perry, i wake up in a cold sweat sometimes thinking say we can only get Howard from the Halifax or one of the Lilt ladies on my sofa, but ive got to be strong. Everyone has been so positive, well, apart from one article in a popular newspaper, they said i was depressed about’ Chattyman’ i didnt mind this, it happens all the time but it was the accompanying photo. They had me clutching my head looking up at the sky miserable and dispondant. To be fair, i had just come out of a Starbucks and was ducking a rancid pigeon. A note to that journalist it was the same day Chattyman had got recommissioned for not only a 2nd but a 3rd and 4th series I wasnt depressed at all, i just didnt want to be covered in bird poo, but i guess as i found out from that article you can be shat on in other ways too.
We are now looking for future guests and the names that are being confirmed are amazing (sorry Howard) but im not going to tell you, ive learnt my lesson from the Friday Night Project. I would reveal who was lined up and as soon as the names passed my lips they would either die or end up in rehab. I would end up with egg on my face and they ended up in the Betty Ford Clinic. Rather them than me.
Thanks for all the lovely tweets and i’ll be seeing you
alan

MANSON MAN ACTION


Well, hello everyone, it dawned on me today that I haven’t blogged in ages, i’ve been tweeting like buggery, but i havent blogged so tonight im going to sit down, relax and do a good old blog. (Sounds like im doing a shit to be honest). At least with blogging you dont get arseholes replying, i am having some militant trannies tweeting me, they heard on my Radio 2 show that I had said that i was worried about cycling through Gay Pride because i might end up with a Tranny in my basket. Quite harmless i thought but oh no, i am a ‘tranny hater’ according to these tweets. I’m not taking it too seriously, (noone else has) it was an off the cuff remark, besides Tranny in a basket just sounds like something you’d find in a Nandos. ‘Tranny in a basket please – easy on the mayo’.

Chattyman is going better than i had ever dreamed of, ratings are great, the guests are amazing Samuel L Jackson, Dawn French, Kanye West, Brucie, Pet Shop Boys have all graced my late aunts flat and this week i’ve got Jonathan Ross and Mickey Rourke – woohoo! I’m watching Angelheart now (like a good boy) researching ready for Rourke. The lovely Denise Van Outen is coming on too, she recently told ‘Star’ magazine that she fancied me, oh dear, how do i break it to her? She’s going to be gutted! Better pop some lambrini in my globe so as to soften the blow.
Some guests alas havent made it on the show not for the want of trying i was meant to do a sketch with Marilyn Manson but when i turned up at the hotel he was so twatted on absinthe (and the rest), he couldnt stand up straight let alone talk. None of the questions I asked him were usable (if he was to be believed his hobbies include pissing on children and necrophilia – hey dont knock it til you’ve tried it) so we left him to his own devices, mumbling to himself in the hotel foyer drinking a pint of Glade Plug-in. (you think im joking). He had a whole afternoon of interviews ahead of him – CHRIST! I smiled to myself secretly hoping he was due on The Alan Titchmarch Show. ‘On tonights show! June Whitfield, Nick Berry and Marilyn Manson dressed as a Nazi wanking off a dog ‘ Well I’d tune in wouldnt you?
As we left the PR girl said ‘ could i mention his single on the show?’ It was called ‘Arma-Goddamn motherfucking Gedden’. as you can imagine ‘Bleeding Love’ it aint!!
Anyway, off to bed, this blogging lark has been very theraputic and not even an irate tranny in sight. See ya al x