All posts by Admin

BUSY BEAVER


What a busy July i’ve had – it seems to have just flown by. It was a strange but eventful month for me, i was accused in the papers of having my eyes lazered, teeth straigtened and a weave fitted, had dinner with the Beckhams, had a night out with Louie Spence and Kylie (finally) came on my Chattyman and destroyed a nibble tray comprising of Frazzles and pork scratchings – yes and before you ask – i do love namedropping!!! Look its not everyday you get to say to Posh Spice ‘Can you pass me the gravy?’ is it?

Took my goddaughters to Regents Park Zoo which was great although a little bit terrifying going into the monkeys cage to feed them – ever since i saw that woman whose face had been bitten off by that chimp – ive always been a little bit scared – i prefered them when they were fun, you know wearing berets and pushing pianos about badly mouthing ‘Its the taste’. Anyway the visit was a success, they enjoyed the nuts and dates we gave them, although thankfully none of them grabbed my weave and ran off with it – if they were going to do that – at least wait for me to get my camcorder £250 quid is £250 quid aint it?
Got some great guests lined up for Chattyman something for everyone i promise Ricky Gervais, Katy Perry, Davina, Robin Williams, Drew Barrymore, McFly, Olly Murrs, Paul O’Grady, The Killers…..the list goes on
Take Care Al x
Alanx

Stop The Wedding




I was watching ‘Four Weddings’ on my favourite channel Living and i funnily enough felt the urge to blog – it was the one with the Russian bride who had the eye infection, never mind – anyway hope you’ve been enjoying Chattyman – What a great start to the series Pammie, Russell Brand and the cast of Glee plus Plan B singing. – it doesnt get any better than that does it! Boy can Russell talk – we chatted for about an hour (normally its about 20 minutes per interview) – he was so entertaining he was like a verbal tsunami – i couldnt get my questions in – i thought ‘Christ – what was he like when he was ON drugs? One of my favourite guests by far.

Writing for my tour which is a major ballache – it always has taken me ages and the trouble being by the time ive written the tour half the material is out of date – and who wants to listen to a comedy routine centreing on the miners strike, Bejams and Jif.
It was my birthday last monday and Gok ( how lovely is this?) drove all the way from his home with a birthday cake, not only that, but a cake with my face on it. What a star! It was delicious and believe me readers i would have saved you a bit if i hadnt come down to find the last quarter disappearing down Bev’s gob – its quite surreal seeing your own dog chew on your marzipan glasses and haribo teeth, gulp it down and lick its lips. I went ahead and ate her dog food that’ll teach her.

Got some great names coming on soon Lily Allen, Kylie, The Cast of Twilight, Enrique, Kelis, Katie and Alex…..
Al x

A QUICKIE


Watcha, just a quick blog to say ‘hello’ and keeping you up to date on whats been happening in my life. Well here goes….

Went to Berlin for a weekend – its an amazing city you must go- people warned me before i went (crypticly) that Berlin was cultural yet sleazy!!! – Hmm! What do i pack? Nipple clamps and opera gloves? And believe me its hard to watch opera when your wearing a gas mask in a fuck swing.
Saw the Berlin Wall – which was so grim to say the least if theres one wall thats in need of some trellis its that one.
Got missed off the BAFTA longlist – charming – i think they should give me one as compensation dont you? It really is the least they can do – and not one of the shitty awards either ‘best use of lip-synching in a subtitled cartoon’ i want ‘Lifetime achievement’ thank you very much.
The extention of my Radio 2 show for another year, yes i know, another year – check it out Radio 2 6pm – 8pm every Saturday go on you know you want to.
Got in the papers picking up my dog Bev’s shit – yep the paps got me – a perfect image of me standing there swallowing sick trying to scoop up a large turd – i swear you can see Bev smirking.
Loving Chattyman even more – you get to ask people if they’re back on the cock, drink cheap alcohol and do the dutty whine with whoever you please – in what other job can you do that?
Tata

HERES TO 2010!!

Just back from Sunderland spending Christmas visting friends and family – wasnt it lovely having a white christmas, well it was a yellow christmas as i passed stockton on the motorway, something to do with the fumes i guess. Look, Im not a scientist but even i know when the snowmans carrot starts pulsating and glowing somethings wrong.

I know its a few days early but thought i better wish you a Happy New Year now – i’ve got a few busy days ahead what with organising my New Years Eve party and taking my unwanted presents back to cash convertors. I love cash convertors, just not when i see my books and CDs in the window 2 for 1 hmmm! the ingratitude. Can you believe I actually got sent a joke book as a present – i’m a stand-up comedian thats what i do!!! Thats like sending Kerry Katona a kebab, a bit more thought please, I wouldnt have minded but the jokes were a bit on the tired side(Shut up you people saying that they would have fitted into my act perfectly!!) Jokes that start ‘Two lesbians at a bus-stop….’ is not really my kind of thing.

It looks like I’ve got a busy year ahead, and if you believe the Daily Star i’m going to be in the Celebrity Big Brother House, well, thats news to me but you never know i might just prepare an eviction outfit just in case, i might as well look good whilst im being booed and having excrement thrown at me.
Dont forget on New Years Day – you can hear me on Radio 2 with the gorgous Nadine Coyle between 14.00 and 17.00 on the Great British Songs of the Noughties (Adele and Paloma Faith pop in too) – let my soothing voice ease away your hangover blues.
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!! THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT AND HAVE A HEALTHY AND PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR!!!
Alan x